WISE WORDS 3

A SNEAKY MUM

Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flatmate, Joanne, was.

She had been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne and I are just flatmates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter

So he sat down and wrote:


DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an e-mail from his mother which read

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

**********************

Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well…gotta go…have to write to the Hefty bag people.

**********************

MILITARY MANUAL

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'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal

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'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' -

U.S. Air Force Manual

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'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' General MacArthur

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'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'

U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
 
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'Tracers work both ways.' -

U.S. Army Ordnance

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'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' –

Infantry Journal

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'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'

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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' –

Unknown Marine Recruit
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'If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him.'

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'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil.

For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.'

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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'

- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'

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'If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter --
and therefore, unsafe.'

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'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'

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'Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club.'

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'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?

If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;

If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies.'

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'Never trade luck for skill.'

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The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:

'Why is it doing that?'
'Where are we?'
And
'Oh S...!'

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'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'

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'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'

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'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'

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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'

- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'

Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

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'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'

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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'

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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks,
'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

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