WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned,"
then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

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WORK OR PLAY ?

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?"
So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the Minister and receives the same reply.
Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when many others tell me sex is work?"
 
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.

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A Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students
of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard.
A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God,  he became as gentle as a lamb.
The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers,
you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape.

The Rabbi looks up and says,
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

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For all you good Catholics out there

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in a Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class. One day the Nun called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her took his pencil and stabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary. The Nun said "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret "Who is our Lord and Saviour?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary an the Nun once again said." Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back to sleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...
"What did eve say to Adam after she had her Twenty-third child?"

Again Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted,
"If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun Fainted..........