There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she
said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven
The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
A passenger in a
taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a
few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize
a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote
"Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
THE CONFESSION 2
Young Sean was in confession with Father Flynn.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been 3 months since my last confession,
I've missed mass .. well, a lot .. and I had relations with a young woman.
The father, knowing Sean was single: Well, that's not a good thing, Sean. Now, who was it?
Sean: I can't tell ya that, Father. T'wouldn't be right. I'd besmirch her honor.
Father: Well, that's an honorable thing then, boy. (Pause.)
Was it Bridget Flaherty?
Sean: No, Father. It wasn't.
Sean: Father, I told you I'm not going t'say.
Father: Oh, right......right. (Long pause.)
One of the Donnelly twins?
Sean: Father, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but me lips are sealed!!!
Father: Oh, all right.......................Katie Sheehan?
Sean: Now, Father. I'm finished. I won't tell ya, I say!!
Father: All right, Sean. All right. Say ten Paternosters and ten Aves and be sure you attend Mass.
Sean leaves the confessional and sits down in a pew next to his mate, Liam.
Liam says, "What did you get, Sean?"
Sean replies, "Five Our Fathers, five Hail Marys...............and five good leads!