RELIGIOUS 5

They're Back !
Those wonderful Church Bulletins. Thank God for church ladies with typewriters
.

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS ) actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight:
'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping
around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

************

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address !

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me.

They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here !!!!

**************************

MARRIED IN CHURCH

Throughout the ages, men have been trying to unlock the mystery as to why their wives who accepted them as they were before they got married, subtly and with determination began the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once their vows were exchanged.

Finally, the riddle was solved. A social-scientist arrived at a simple and logical conclusion.

When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn.

Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process where the brain absorbs these three stimuli: aisle, altar, hymn, begins. She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions:aisle, altar, hymn. . . aisle, altar, hymn. . . aisle, altar, hymn. . and finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is completed.

She looks up at him lovingly, smiling sweetly and thinks

'I'll alter him.'(Aisle Altar Hymn)

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