NUNS and HOCKEY

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A HOCKEY GAME. THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND THEM. BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA,
THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS THERE."

THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS
LIVING THERE."

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE, SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO TO HELL?
THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."

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COMPARISONS

The Jewish man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great lovemaking.
I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!"

The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I were making love,
I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes!"

The Italian man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also made love. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!"

The other two were stunned.

The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"

The Italian man said, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread."

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LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER
-
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again
 and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
" Do you think he means her first, second or third husband? "

The friend replied, " I think he means her legs."

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CHILDREN

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was

"DON'T!"

"Don't what?"

Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."

God said.

"Forbidden fruit?

We have forbidden fruit?

Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit! "said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so! "

God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you? " said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have
children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself
that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!