THE PIRATE

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

'What about that eye patch?'

'Oh, one day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'

'You're kidding', said the bartender, 'you couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit.'

********************

A Guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a Job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks,
"Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100% ... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M.
You can start tomorrow., come in at 10:00 am."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 am. to 4:00 am.

Then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says, "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls ... no point in you coming in for that."

*************

A HAIRCUT ?

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?

Bob looked up, wipes the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'

**************

Calming Influences

I am passing this on because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a bax a cholates.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.