Quotes 3

THE DISHES

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale ' sign on it.The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain...
and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and makes love to her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,
'All right, that's enough, I'll do the ******* dishes!'

************

Should children witness childbirth ?

 

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry.

 

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...
smack his arse again!'
 

 

*****************

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY???

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say
"Happy Birthday" and probably a present for me.

Forget "Happy Birthday", She didn't even say "Good Morning".

I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember".
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

I started to the office I was feeling pretty low.

As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet, said,  "Good morning, boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better; someone had remembered and I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch .. just you and me."

I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch but
didn't go where we normally go, we went out to the country to a little private place .. had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day,
we don't need to go back to the office, do we ?" I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change."

"Sure," I excitedly replied. I start getting excited and thought today is my lucky day.

She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by.......... my wife, children and dozens of our friends,
all singing "Happy Birthday".

And there I sat... on the couch ... naked !!!!!!

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