A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust,
"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too. I didn't realise we had a choice."
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.
Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'.
And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey bas*ard put his head in a plastic bag
and he suffocated'.
The Irish Prostitute
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why
did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute....'
'Ye what ? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! ~
You're a disgrace to this family.'
'OK, dad...as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million
savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and...'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'.
Now come here and give yer old da a hug!'
Paddy met Mick in the street and said, "Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?"
"Why?" Paddy asked.
"Because," said Mick, "all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday."
Mick said, "Silly buggers, the laugh's on them. I wasn't home yesterday."
A True Scot
A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.
The Scot opens his
sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it critically.
'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.
'Six pence,' says the pharmacist.
'How much for a new one?'
'Ten pence,' says the pharmacist.
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square
and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.
'The regiment has taken a vote,' the Scot says. 'We'll have a new one.'