THE ESSEX MAN
An Essex man parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a
lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Essex man grabs his mobile and calls the police.
later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined.
No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you
bloody Essex men are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.''
How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
The Essex man looks down in horror. 'F**KING HELL!' he screams........
'Where's me Rolex????...'
A Ghost Story
This happened a while ago in Dublin and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a
very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on !!The car started moving slowly.
looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.
John, paralysed with
terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and
ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and....wasn't
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the
'Look Paddy, there's that f..king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it !!'
Greek and the Scotsman
A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a
Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says,
'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says,'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.'
An Irish Petrol Station
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him
to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7.
Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close,
but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'