As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember.............

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.
It's called 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice,
well it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11. Definition of a teenager. God's punishment for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.



*TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

*BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

*SEAGULL  MANAGER. A manager, who flies in, makes  a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

*ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

*SALMON  DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

*CUBE  FARM. An office filled with  cubicles.

*PRAIRIE  DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see  what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

 *SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, And Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'.

*SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

*AEROPLANE  BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black  box'.

* PERCUSSIVE  MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the  crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

*ADMINISPHERE.  The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded  'administrivia' - needless paperwork and  processes.

*  404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 not found' meaning that the requested document could not be  located.

 *OH  - NO  SECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

*JOHNNY-NO-STARS.  A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in  a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wears to show their level of  training.

*GOING FOR A  McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,  you're just going to the bog. ( Toilet ) If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a  McShit with Lies.

*MILLENNIUM  DOMES. The contents of a wonder bra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.  

*AUSSIE  KISS. Similar to a French kiss, but given down under.

*GREYHOUND.  A very short skirt only an inch from the hare.

* SALAD  DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY. A deeply unattractive person.

*  MONKEY BATH.  A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!  Aa!

*  MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up whisks away the stunner you slept with and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

* BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at  3:00am.

* BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here and where you've come from.

* BREAKING THE SEAL. Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

*  PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks  

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