The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.

Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.

Fact: 1 lonely person is surfing the Net...

- You hang in there sunshine!

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Two Woodpeckers

A British woodpecker and an American woodpecker were arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The British woodpecker said that British had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The American woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The British woodpecker was amazed. The American woodpecker then challenged the British woodpecker to peck a tree in America that was absolutely impeckable
(a term woodpeckers like to use). The British woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it and accepted the challenge.
So the two flew to American where the British woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called impeckable tree with no problem. Both woodpeckers were terribly confused. How is it that the American woodpecker was able to peck the British tree and the British woodpecker was able to peck the American tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own county? Huh ?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home !

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Ronnie Barker - Genius

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies.
Ronnie Barker (a famous British comedian) could say all this without a snigger .. though goodness knows how many takes it took.

Irony is that they received not one complaint from any viewers or sensoring bodies. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read ...

This is the story of Rindercella and her Sugly Isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the botton rastards would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. 'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

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This has to be the largest Wood Pecker on record......

Well, what did you expect from me......

A picture of a bird ?