Quotes 10

LETTER 1

Dear Wife

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.

I've been a good man to you for seven years and I havenothing to show forit. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Lastweek, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Husband,

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was
'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment .. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell - and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.
I hope that's not a problem. Have a Great Day!!

***************

LETTER 2

'To My Dear Wife:

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight .'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

' My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.

As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college.

I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference:-

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

***************

Only in America ......

do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections ?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?