An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi,
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (Pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar……'



Three Irishmen and three Englishmen are travelling by train to a football match in London.
At the station, the three English each buy  ticket and watch as the three Irish buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?", asks one of the English.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Irish. They all board the  train. The English take their respective seats but all three Irish  cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the  train has departed the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He  knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens  just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The  conductor takes it and moves on.

The English are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they decide to copy the Irish on the return trip and save some money. So they only buy a single ticket for the return trip...

To their astonishment, the Irish don't buy a ticket at all !!
"How are  you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed English.

"Watch and learn..." says one Paddy.

When they board the train the three Irish cram into a toilet and soon after the three English pile into another nearby.  The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Irish leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the English are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..."




40 Gypsies died and went to heaven. They turned up at the Pearly Gates
and asked St Peter to let them in.

He said that they didn't have room for all 40 of them. He only had
room for five, so they should go away and think about who would come in.

A short while later St Peter went to see God and said 'They've gone!'

God replied, 'What, the Pikeys?'

'No, the Flipping gates'!!!!