It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of
1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like
something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Really?" Fred asked, eyebrows rose.
"Oh yes," the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends,
that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night
if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip!" Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
"Have fun, kids!" the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled
to her mother in the kitchen. "The Twist, Dammit! It's called the Twist! "
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out
why men think with their head and women with their heart.
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT ?!! What was that ?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs
as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom ?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new
clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short
of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost
nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,
'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT ?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my
financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you ?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"
to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your arse, didn't it?
He's still alive and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through
Stupid, stupid man!